My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on our trip to Alaska. If your husband died suddenly and unexpectedly also, I’m so sorry for your loss. I was 43 when my husband and the father of our three children was killed in a tragic snowmobile accident.
One moment we were saying “I love you” and enjoying the day…the next he was gone. The shock was as palpable as being slammed against a wall.
I don’t pretend to know what you’re feeling or experiencing. I do, however, know that your sudden grief is different from a wife’s grief who’s lost her husband to a long-term illness. If I can be so bold, I’d like to share with you some things I experienced that you also might experience at some point. If you don’t experience these things, that’s because your grief is going to be as unique as you are.
Every morning is a reminder…for a time. In the first few weeks that you awaken each day, you will experience the reminder that your husband is gone over and over again. You will awaken and for a few brief moments, you will have forgotten. Then the dawning will fall on you and your heart will break anew. I spent so many mornings crumpled by the sadness of coming face to face with his death almost as if it were the first time. This “twilight grief” will go away. I don’t know how long it will be, but by God’s grace…you will not hurt as much as you do now.
The pain will subside…I promise. While you won’t hurt as much as you do now, you may find as I did that there’s comfort in the hurting. Somehow the grief seems to draw us nearer to our husband. And the day you realize that your cloud of grief is somehow lifting may bring another kind of grief. You realize that as much as you want to stop hurting, the sadness continues to bond you to your husband. And you’re afraid to move away from your husband by getting better. But get better you must.
You’ll long for him. No marriage is perfect, but you and your husband chose marriage continuously. Through all the ups and downs, you hung in there and bravely chose commitment Every.Single.Day. Death took that away from you. You didn’t want to stop being a wife, a lover, a best friend, a companion. It was ripped from you suddenly and you’re left longing. Longing for his smell…his touch…his voice. Aching to make love again. To feel his body against yours. You will ache for him.
You will ache to be touched. So be touched. Get your hair done often. Get manicures, pedicures, massages. Your need for human touch must be met so pay someone for appropriate touch. It’s what I did and it helped me navigate the skin hunger of losing my husband.
Loss will deliver compassion for others. Losing my husband suddenly and unexpectedly, along with the shock of grief that came with it taught me to never judge how someone grieves. After Mike’s death, I had family members who went off the deep end of alcohol abuse and negative choices after losing their spouses. And I got it. I understood that they were doing WHATEVER it took to soothe their pain. And the truth is I probably would have done the same things if I hadn’t had three children and a Christian reputation to protect that gave me boundaries. Soon after my husband’s death, I saw a post from a Christian widower who said he was having sex with women and detested himself. I got it. It’s very hard to judge another’s grief after ramming headfirst into a husband’s sudden death. It hurts so much.
Do whatever you need to do to feel better…with boundaries. Listening to the loudest rock music soothed my angry spirit for awhile. Weeping as I watched episodes of “A Wedding Story” helped at other times. Shopping, redecorating, taking classes, reading voraciously…they all had their place in my grief journey. For a time. Support groups didn’t help me, but that’s just me. I felt propelled to move from the “camp of death” and to pursue life. My children needed that from me.
The best advice I got after Mike died was just “to be.” To be present with myself. Be present with my grief. Be present with God as He lovingly carried my children and me through such deep loss. Listen to your spirit and do what soothes you. Avoid the “shoulds” right now. Avoid the people who all of a sudden want to become your friend to support you. You don’t have the energy for new friendships. Just be with those who have loved you before this day.
The worst advice? “Make sure you grieve.” Make sure I grieve? As if there’s any other choice? Give me a break. The people who give you this advice don’t realize that his absence lurks in every word, every song, every thought….every single day. You will cry in the strangest places. I sobbed while buying new tires, while watching my kids play, while waiting for coffee, when I saw a man who reminded me of Mike…the list goes on. You will cry a lot. And that’s from someone who didn’t cry much before.
Talk about him. You will need to talk about your husband a lot. Cling to friends who are willing to hear the same stories again and again…until you’re ready to stop telling them. My daughter shared a memory of her father with a friend who told her, “You’ve told me that before.” I gently pulled the friend aside and told her that she’s really the only one my daughter was talking to about her dad. And she may need to tell the same story more than once.
Your loss will never be over. You will grieve the loss of future anniversaries. You will grieve his absence at your children’s weddings and the birth of their children. You will grieve at small times that he would’ve been there and big times that his absence is glaring. You will grieve throughout the rest of your life, but the pain will subside. That’s God’s grace to us. Even when your husband died suddenly and unexpectedly.
Grow deeper with God. And, finally, if you’re a woman of faith, you already know the goodness and grace of our loving God who is walking through the valley of the shadow of death with you. You already know the peace that passes understanding, because you know there is no reason on earth that you have this much peace with so much loss. And for that, I’m very grateful for you. It is only by God’s grace and mercy that the human spirit can survive such loss even without a relationship with God. I believe, though, that the way is much smoother when we are carried by faith and a relationship with God.
If your husband died suddenly and unexpectedly, you will feel like you will never survive it. You will wonder how you can make it through one more day. You will stare into a future void of him and shudder.
But you will get better. You will always miss him, but you won’t always hurt like you do now. You will always long for him, but you won’t always ache. You will get better because get better you must.
Death is my traveling companion. We prepare for a dream trip to France and these…
helen Braxton | 3rd Jan 19
Chris thanks for sharing – beautiful.
Christine Yount Jones | 3rd Jan 19
Thank you, Helen!
Rosanna Bontrager | 13th Sep 23
Thanks for such article it was what I needed to find today. Today is 5 months that my husband walked out the back door and never to return. I found him a hours later and life had fled. A piece of his lawn equipment fell on him and instantly killed him. And on Sat. would be our 23rd anniversary. God has been so faithful in ways I can not began to describe.
Christine Yount Jones | 4th Jan 24
Rosanna,
I am so sorry for your loss. Sudden death is so shocking and loss is so deep. I am grateful that God has been so faithful to you.
Melissa | 23rd Jul 24
Thank you for this. My young and healthy husband died of a pulmonary embolism over 6 months ago. We were so incredibly happy and my life is forever changed now. Your words give me hope and I try to remember each day God’s faithfulness in my life.
Christine Yount Jones | 30th Oct 24
Melissa,
I am so sorry for your loss. Cling to God as the pain can be unbearable at times. God bless you.
Kathy | 2nd Oct 24
Christine,
As I sat here with tears in my eyes searching for soothing words I ran across your blog. It was as if it were me speaking in your words. I lost my husband on June 12th 2024 suddenly and the loss is so very hard. We met in High School 53yrs ago and our 50th wedding Anniversary is coming up October 18 2024. He was all those things to me you stated. I know God is with me and will carry me through this life without him. It’s just so hard at times especially when I’m alone when the night comes. Thank you Christine and my God bless you as well.
Christine Yount Jones | 30th Oct 24
Oh, Kathy, I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is searing at times. I am grateful your faith in God can carry you through these tough times.
Sheilagh Romero | 30th Dec 24
I identify with every word that was said here except for the fact that I am not finding peace with God like I used to. I guess it’s always easier to feel God’s peace and presence and easier to hear God’s answers when things are going relatively well, when you haven’t incurred such a huge loss. I never felt such pain and grief until I lost my husband of 45 years, extremely suddenly. I can’t see past the pain to the point where I can’t feel God’s presence much less hear his word. There’s no Bible scripture in the world that makes me feel good for more than an hour or two. My husband’s been gone 3 months now and yet it still feels like today, the same as was explained here. No one knows what it’s like until you experience it. No one knows what to say, there are no words, sometimes you don’t want words. You just want to be listened to and you just want to talk and you just want to cry. But more than anything I want to feel God’s presence and hear his word again, I want to feel his arms around me again. I guess I kind of feel like if I could feel God’s presence then I could feel my husband’s presence and vice versa. Right or wrong, sane or not, that’s what it feels like to me.
Christine Yount Jones | 30th Mar 25
Sheilagh, I am so sorry for your loss. I appreciate your honesty and I understand. I felt the same way you do after I lost my son and his wife in 2022. Tortured pain and no peace. It has taken almost three years for me to say I find peace at times and more often than not. I pray peace for you in time as well.
Stephanie | 27th Jan 25
Thank you for this article it was well needed
My husband died suddenly one month ago he was 37 years old and it has been so hard on me even tho I am a woman of faith it’s still so hard…
So much negative emotions I need peace.
Christine Yount Jones | 30th Mar 25
Stephanie, I am so sorry for your loss. And, yes, it is a very hard journey. And I can tell you that you will find peace but only in time and by staying close to God.
Rebecca | 29th Jan 25
The man I’ve spent 31 years with died suddenly of cardiac arrest almost 3 months ago. I have never felt so much pain, or felt so alone and afraid in my entire life. One minute we were on the porch of our new home that we lived in for a brief 15 months and the next I was giving him chest compressions on our living room floor waiting for the ambulance. The following day I had to make the decision to take him off life support. I am so glad I came across your words Christine. I am working on reconnecting with my Lord. Thank you for letting us know that these unbearable feelings are natural and will eventually subside. God bless you!
Christine Yount Jones | 30th Mar 25
Rebecca, I am so sorry for your loss and for all you went through as he passed. God bless you and draw you near.
Tammy Kirkwood | 3rd Feb 25
Christine, thank you for your words. I have not been interested in a grief support group. In just a few weeks it will be one year since I lost my husband of over 40 years completely unexpectedly. From the first (yes first) 911 call to time of death was 59 minutes. This widow journey is a lonely one even with family and friends and my faith in God. Tonight I decided to google the title of your article and here I am. Thanks again.
Christine Yount Jones | 30th Mar 25
Tammy, I’m so glad you found this and I am so sorry for your loss. I’m grateful we both have God because you are right. This is a lonely journey. Come, Lord Jesus, is what I think often.
Donna | 11th Feb 25
I can bear the sudden death of my husband of 44 years and patiently await the resurrection. But what I will never be able to bear is the ending of our marriage; that is what has destroyed me. We are no longer married and NEVER will be married. I can not be consoled at all, especially by God since it is His teaching that death ends the marriage. It’s bad enough to lose my husband but to lose our marriage is devastating. I held the dead body of him who was not my husband anymore. To live forever in Heaven with a man who I’m still in love with and not be married to him would be an eternal hell for me.
Christine Yount Jones | 30th Mar 25
I totally understand what you mean about marriage being over. I don’t know but I wonder if somehow we will be connected in a way that only works in heaven. God bless you.
Luann nelson | 22nd Feb 25
It’s what I needed. Thankyou I believe you’re right. Thankyou. Luann nelson
Christine Yount Jones | 30th Mar 25
Thank you, Luann.